On the Other Hand

Although being excessively results oriented (why do I keep hearing people call it "orientated," anyway? is that a British thing?) and sucking at/hating math are not very good traits for a poker player, I do have some personality traits in my favor:

1) Gambling itself doesn't interest/excite me. I have no desire to ever play -EV casino games like craps, blackjack, keno, or whatever else. I can't really understand their appeal, but there are plenty of poker players that give away their poker winnings "in the pit," as they say. I also don't have any desire to play in poker games that are above my skill level. If I somehow suddenly became a billionaire, I highly doubt that I would go donking around in the nosebleed games, even if the money meant nothing to me.

2) I am very competitive. I hate losing. I always want to prove to myself that I can beat my opponents/the level I'm playing at.

3) I love repetitive tasks. I get some weird satisfaction from doing the same thing over and over. It's more calming than boring to me.

4) This kind of overlaps #1, but when it comes to money, I am very disciplined. I play vastly over-rolled. I have never chased my losses by moving up to a higher game. I do understand the urge to move up to try to get even, but my fear of failure/getting outplayed is far too great to ever tempt me to do something like that.

5) I have an obsessive personality. When I get into a subject, I want to learn everything there is to know about it. Luckily, poker is one of those things that is so elusive, you can just go on learning and learning forever and still feel like you have barely skimmed the surface of the game.

6) I have a pretty good memory and am reasonably decent at recognizing patterns.

It's Not (aka Who Me, Emo?)

Played like a fucking idiot last night. Stacked off light in a number of spots where I should have known better. I've been playing very badly in 3-bet pots. Not much else to say other than I'm quite frustrated with myself right now.

Except, yeah, one more thing to say about this: My success at poker cannot be how I define myself. Self-worth is not measured by a goddamn results graph. It's just stupid to go through this again and again like a fucking yo-yo. One day, I am playing well, life is getting on the right track, hell, I'm not such a loser after all. The next day, the next week, I play bad, my pt/bb drops a point, whatever, suddenly I'm comparing myself to the rest of the world and coming up quite a bit short. This is not the way to go through life, obviously. And it's not a poker problem, it really has nothing to do with poker at all; it's just that poker provides a very tangible way to measure yourself over time. And so I cling to that. I wonder if any player ever really gets past this, or if the good ones just get better and better at hiding it.

I've got the lyrics to Aimee Mann's "It's Not" stuck in my head, so that may partially explain my emo-ness. She's pretty good at this songwriting stuff:

I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not

So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not

People are tricky you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try - well kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
Though it's not
No it's not...
No it's not...