Except, yeah, one more thing to say about this: My success at poker cannot be how I define myself. Self-worth is not measured by a goddamn results graph. It's just stupid to go through this again and again like a fucking yo-yo. One day, I am playing well, life is getting on the right track, hell, I'm not such a loser after all. The next day, the next week, I play bad, my pt/bb drops a point, whatever, suddenly I'm comparing myself to the rest of the world and coming up quite a bit short. This is not the way to go through life, obviously. And it's not a poker problem, it really has nothing to do with poker at all; it's just that poker provides a very tangible way to measure yourself over time. And so I cling to that. I wonder if any player ever really gets past this, or if the good ones just get better and better at hiding it.
I've got the lyrics to Aimee Mann's "It's Not" stuck in my head, so that may partially explain my emo-ness. She's pretty good at this songwriting stuff:
I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not
So here I'm sitting in my car at the same old stop light
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
People are tricky you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try - well kiss it goodbye
So baby kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
Though it's not
No it's not...
No it's not...
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